Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Thursday, 26 February 2009

178. The End.

For now...

177. The Plug Is Pulled

“Having exceeded all budgeted

and approved recording costs

by millions of dollars it is

Mr Rose’s obligation to fund

and complete the album, not Geffen’s.”

- extract of letter sent from Geffen to Guns N Roses’ Management, February 2004.

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

176. Slash Makes A Valid Point

Back in the day Axl was obsessed with

the image of Christ on the Cross. No, wait

obsessed is the wrong word for it. He was jealous.

That’s it. Jealous of the attention.

He couldn’t see why, after touring his

ass off and seventeen gazillion albums sold

more people still knew who Jesus was.

He genuinely saw Christ as a competitor!

I was, like, dude, Motley Crue, sure.

Nirvana and Pearl Jam, yeah,

but some guy who died two thousand

years ago? Don’t sweat it, brother.

And, anyways, Jesus isn’t all that.

Yeah, he has a strong brand image

a fine line in merch and a loyal cross-territorial

fanbase, but he doesn’t have the chops we do.

What did he say to that? I don’t recall.

I don’t think he said anything.

But the next day on tour he had his PA

make arrangements to have a crucifix built.

Polished mahogany, red velvet foot-rest,

tour gold-leaf six inch nails - the works.

That’s pretty extreme dude, I said.

What are you going to use it for?

What do you think I’m gonna use it for?

I’m going to have myself crucified on stage.

I mean, if Jesus survived it, so can I. Now

shut up and go play your guitar somewhere.

And for a while I think he seriously thought about

having his feet and hands hammered to that cross.

Axl being Axl though, he soon moved on to the next

thing: Kaballah, Scientology, anal bleaching and so forth.

He forgot about his crucifix, left it in Cleveland or Cologne

or somewhere, but he didn’t forget about Christ.

In fact, Christ really bothered him, being so adored and all

and today I believe he still continues to walk in Christ’s shadow.

What do I mean by that? Well, it’s obvious. The guy so

desperately wants to be holy that it has crippled him creatively.

He’s martyr himself for a cause he’s lone since forgotten.

The only miracle he’ll perform will be getting that damn album done.

And we all know that the second coming of that gnarly

dude in the robes is far more likely, wouldn’t you say?

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

175. Past Life Regression

Sandalwood candles

burn, the sound of the

ocean, my breathing

deep and measured,

bare footed on the

rug, eyes closed, hands

splayed on the arm rest.

The present day slipping

away like layers of skin

or photos from a leather

bound family album;

a human onion unpeeled

by the hands of a loving soul

my mentor my spiritual beacon.

Months and months of daily

exercises bring us to this

stage of understanding,

acceptance and what she calls

“emotional maturity” as she

draws me deeper down into

these murky waters of the self.

A total calmness pervades -

a calmness like I’ve never felt

and I am totally at ease, completely

trusting of this beautiful person

whose only goal is to save my soul

and unlock the box I’ve buried

deep life a coffin of bitter memories.

Back we go, far back, through

the early LA years, the late Indiana

years, reversing the coming of age

of adolescence, of childhood, of

everything, back beyond the beginning

breaking through walls I’ve never

been able to get around – or over

accelerating now, the sound of the ocean,

the feel of the rug still there but now

my mind is flying, stripped of ego.

I am free; skin, bones, hair and teeth

disengage as I become fluid and I am

the rain, I am a thousand drops of rain

seeking a black tarn on a remote mountain.

I am a homesteader squinting from his

porch across the barren planes of Idaho

I am a Elizabethan courtier in a dual

with a rival in love, I am a Captain

of a ship without a map chasing horizons

I am a Sultan of the Ottoman empire

lavishly clothes in silk route fineries.

I am a catholic priest in the Avingon Papacy

I am a lowly horse-tender for the heroes

of the Byzantine Crusades, I am the first

king of Hungary, the second king of Denmark

I am Thorfin Ragnasson and I am coming

for your wives, your lives, your children

I am destructor of Chang’an, capital of the

Tang Dynasty, the man that you fear.

I am bearded author of a book they call

Beowulf, I am Islam’s most feared enforcer

I am smallpox carrier, I am Barbarian warrior

I am flood victim at the Temple of Luxor

my soul swept away on the tides of the Nile

and I am especially Roman leader with curled

hair, strong nose, fierce reputation – Emperor Rose.

Monday, 23 February 2009

174. In The Studio

“You know if they dropped

the fucking bomb on the planet

and just levelled the place

and you were, like, the only survivor

and you’d be walking along

and at first you’d just see basic destruction,

like collapsed houses and sparking electrical cables

and shit, but as you keep on walking

you’d see, like bodies, scattered here and there,

and maybe they don’t look superficially damaged

but they’re dead alright, and you keep walking

and you see smoking shoes lying in the street,

and bodies, all bald and burnt and shit,

like charred down one side or something,

and everything would be

quiet except for the low whistle of a warm

nuclear wind blowing in from the east,

and then you start seeing more bodies,

piles of them, flesh ripped from their bones,

their eyeballs incinerated in their sockets,

their hands twisted and distorted, skulls

grimacing, rictus, the strangely sweet smell

of burning flesh everywhere, the sky dashed

with red hues, everything dead and useless,

gone and hollow, and you just stand there,

grabbing at our face, screaming, screaming

screaming into a void of nothingness.

OK? Well, that’s exactly how I want your

drum fill to sound, bro.”

Thursday, 19 February 2009

173. Axl And His Hairdresser


I’ve been working on a new look.

I figure people need to see a new me.

A new ‘Axl.’

I’ve been working on some sketches.

Some ideas. Research.

I figure black people are kinda cool these days.

I figure that’s what the kids are into.

You know, like, the whole urban vibe?

The whole natty freedom fighter black power Bob Marley thing?

Right. So I’ve based my look on that.

And since you’ve been doing my since like forever,

I figure you’re the person for the job.

So are you ready to be blown away?

Are you ready for a whole new Axl idiom?

Are you ready to meet the future?

And are you ready to be a part of it?

OK. Cool. Here we go:


I want motherfucking cornrows.

And you’re going to do them.

And they’re going to be awesome.

And you know in six months every suburban

white kid’s going to be rocking this shit.

You dig?

Dig. So

let’s do it.

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

172. Slash’s Lightbulb Moment

Fuck it.

I’ll just form Guns N’ Roses without that douchebag,

the drummer or that Keith Richards guitar guy.

Yeah, Izzy. Whatever.

I don’t need those guys.

Duff will be in, I know he will.

He’s been bored out of his skull since his pancreas exploded.

Duff’s cool, always was. A good guy to be around. A punk, you know?

I just need to find another douchebag singer.

Maybe someone from a grunge band who ain’t dead yet.

Maybe that dick from Stone Temple Pilots.

Yeah, and we’ll have a name that’s hard and soft, just like the Gunners.

Something like

Concrete Mittens or

Switchblades & Cotton Candy

or maybe Velvet Revolver.

Some shit like that.

We’ll do a record.

Tour the world.

Make a million.

Get the party started again, yo.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

171. The One With The Hat

Oh, you're that guy.
The bassist? Yeah. Guitarist.

That's what I meant.

The one with the hat, right?
Sure. I remember you.

Monday, 16 February 2009

170. Slash's Last Ditch Attempt

Come on man.
I mean, just think about it.
The Chinese Democracy ain’t happening.
and the Gunners are a laughing stock
But it’s not too late to pull it back, Bill.
I think, the world’s waited long enough
don’t you?
Forget those guys and lets go back to the beginning:
the kick-ass days
the good old
bad old days.
Duff’s in. Izzy’s itching to play, I know he is.
And Adler’s in no fucking position to say no.
We’ll write the real sequel to Appetite.
We’ll eat those pussy-ass bands like
Green Day
My Chemical Romance
and The Strokes
for breakfast
Smacked out or clean
as a whistle -
we’ll do it any which you
want buddy,
it’s no sweat off my balls
I just want to rock.
So what do you say, buddy?

Who did you say you were again?

Sunday, 15 February 2009

169. 5.03am, Slash And Axl Reunited At Last. Briefly.

- Wake up, dude it’s me….I’m here to get the band back together.
- What. What’s happening?
- Sorry to wake you good buddy, It’s me, Slash.
- How…I mean, did Rico let you in? I’ll fire his ass back to whatever fucking island dictatorship he came from. Who are you anyway? I don’t have any money. I never handle it…
- It’s me man, Slash.
- Do I know you?
- Of course you do. We formed the Gunners, man. We ruled the world in ’89!
- Are you the guy with the hat?
- Yes, the guy with the hat.
- And the snakes?
- Yes, the snakes. Dude, quit fooling around. It’s me, your old bro.
- And the cigarette dangling from his mouth?
- Yes! Look, it’s still there, see? Marlboro Red. And the hat. And look, I’ve even bought a bottle of Jack for us to share, just like old times, like when we lived in that shit-pit on the Strip, remember?
- I’m afraid this space is drink and drugs free. I’m going to have to call my security.
- There’s no need to do that, dude. I just want to talk about putting the band back together.
- The band is still together, dude. Haven’t you heard? Chinese Democracy is in the bag, bro. And it’s the greatest fucking rock ‘n’ roll album ever made.
- What, better than Toys In the Attic? Or Exile? How about Zep IV?
- Yup. Way fucking better. This motherfucker shits on old those dinosaurs from a great height.
- Better than Hanoi Rocks?
- Don’t even insult me by mentioning those mincing Fins in the same sentence as my band.
- Don’t forget it was my band too…
- Whatever.
- Whatever, indeed.
- That’s what I said.
- I love you, man.
- Well, I don’t love you.
- That’s because you’re incapable of love.
- I love myself.
- And therein lies the problem. Anyway, dude, what the fuck? Are you wearing a hairnet?

Friday, 13 February 2009

168. Dreams Of A Better, More Fulfilling Existenc

Axl is in the midst of a strange sexual fantasy.

He is dreaming about a girl with huge thighs.

She is naked except for a pair of hiking boots.

She is a big, strong, healthy-looking girl.

Her ass is big too; like a white medicine ball.

She’s not the type of girl he’d normally go for

yet he is completely turned on. He is in love.

He wants to climb a mountain with this girl.

He wants to bury his face in her big white ass.

He wants to lick her until his tongue is swollen,

distended and just hanging there like a dog’s.

He wants to feel her thighs around his head

He wants to be made deaf to the world by them.

He wants to sit down eat a packed lunch with her.

Maybe on a precipice overlooking a remote canyon.

He is experiencing new feelings and new emotions.

These waves of love and desire are alien to him.

He awakes, sweating and erect. He guiltily jerks off.

He has no idea what any of it means. Yet the girl with

the big ass and thighs stay with him all day, as does

the image of a nice quiet luncheon somewhere remote.

Wednesday, 11 February 2009

167. Books (Axl In Exile)

All the lights are out

save for a halogen lamp;

I sit in its cast circle

a halo searching for

an angel, cross-legged and

straight-backed I read Napoleon

Machiavelli, Sun Tzu

and a Bette Davies biog.

Devoid of drugs, love,

chaos or a schedule

I find solace in books

for the first time in my life.

Here for the first time is

a semblance of routine

a welcome discipline and

a wealth of knowledge

an insight into great minds to

remind I’m not alone

in my militant thinking, my

desire to lead from the front

written confirmation that my

strength is my weakness and my

weakness is my greatest asset

for it is that which makes us human.

Here, in the pages, I search for

answers but forget the questions

I keep a dictionary by my side

and learn a new word every day.

I trace the words with my finger

and I know my lips are moving

but there is no-one here

to see them, no-one to

break the silence that

for a few moments at least

seems finite, only for the

sun to then rise again

whereupon I will close my books

conclude my studies, my meditations

and step out from the circle

of light to stretch like a cat

then slowly pad my way to the boudoir

clicking the lamp off on the way.

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

166. Slash (Remember Him?) Speaks

Axl who?
Oh yeah.
That guy.
The redhead right?
That asshole owes me money
Do I miss him?
Are you fucking crazy?
I miss him like a hole
in the cock.

But…I guess we did have
some good times together
back there.

And, yeah. I guess I do
kinda miss those high times
we had.

And I guess it would be
cool to charter our own
jet again.

Monday, 9 February 2009

165. The Malibu Years Pts XXII – XXIX


I’m thinking about entering this year’s Malibu Chili Cookoff

I’ve been working on my secret seasonings.

I’m thinking of entering it undercover.

I need to think of a false name.

Like maybe Steve or Andy.


Surfing is big here.

Bigger than in Indiana.


Golf is the last refuge of the living;

that bridge between life and death.


Often when I’m sleeping I dream of the California State Highway.

I dream about how flat and smooth and silent it is.

I imagine its tarmac and asphalt top layer cracking open.

In my dream I pull over and get out of my car.

I step over to the crack and I peer into it.

It is deep, but not that deep.

Inside I see all my family and friends.

Ex-girlfriends too.

Everyone I’ve ever known is there.

They’re all smiling and having fun.

They wave and say “Come and join us, Bill. It’s great here in this crack in the highway!”

But I never do.

I always step back from the crack and turn towards my car.

Towards the open road.

Then I wake up feeling funny.

Out of sorts.


I don’t ‘do’ sun.

It turns my skin

pink and

tightens it

like a snare drum.


I heard they were going to offer me the keys

to the city but I guess they changed their minds.


I can watch porn for up to ten

maybe twelve hours at a stretch

I have one of the biggest porno

collections in California.

And that’s not me showing off.

- that’s a fucking fact.


Like Steve or Andy,

I need to think of a false name.

I’m thinking of entering it undercover.

I’ve been working on my secret seasonings.

I’m thinking about entering this year’s Malibu Chili Cookoff.