81. Axl Ad Libs At The LA Coliseum

“I hate to do this on stage. But I
tried every other fucking way.
And unless certain people in this band

get their shit together, these will
be the last Guns N' Roses shows
you'll ever fucking see.

‘Cos I'm tired of too many people
in this organization dancing
with Mr. Goddamn Brownstone.”

80. Pill Party

Hey man,
you want a
pick-me-up?

Special discounts
for the
band, man.

I got
all sorts
man.

I got:
Benzodiazepines
Dextromethorphan

I got Barbital
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-(n)-propylthiophenethylamine (2C-T-7)
and Kratom

I got: Methylphenidate
4-Bromo-2,5-Dimethoxyphenethylamine
Hydromorphone

I got: good old Dexy’s
Buprenorphine
Ethylamphetamine

I got: Fentanyl
Biphetamine
and Naloxone

I got Tramadol
Salvia Divinorum
and motherfucking Hydrocodone

I got all sorts, man.
So many pills
so many beautiful colours.

I got a man
on the inside,
you know?

The farmer-
soot-tickle
biz?

This ain’t no
low-grade street shit,
you know?

These is primo
pills for the elite.
Cos you’re elite, right?

So what do you want, man?
You just take your time.
You just let me know.

Special discounts
for the band, man.
Right here.

79. Izzy, Late '88

A month later with Appetite still riding high
we drop Lies on an unsuspecting public. It’s funny
- we make it look easy, though it is anything but.

It’s Axl’s baby. He tussles with everyone over everything.
The mastering. The tracklisting. The artwork. The title…
At the last minute he announces it’s to be called

Lies! The Sex, The Drugs, The Violence, The Shocking Truth
but everyone thinks it’s too much of a mouthful and says so.
Naturally he kicks and screams at this even louder.

But with the band hot, product ready to ship and the label
keen to capitalize on five fucks who might be dead by
Christmas he’s over-ruled. It was a rare day, I tell ya.

I remember saying to Duff, you know buddy, we’re surer
to see hell freezing over and fornicating pigs flying jet planes
of Big Macs to Cuba than we are Axl not getting his way again.

You probably already know the foot-note to this tale already:
Lies goes in at Number 2 making us the only band to have two
Top 5 albums at once - and Axl never did relinquish power again.

Intermission

I, Axl: An American Dream is currently
enjoying an interlude.

This epic tale will resume transmission
later in September 2008.

78. Axl Ad Libs In Irving, Texas

“I apologize if I sound like shit
but too many planes and
too much cocaine…but you
know where the fuck you are?

You in the jungle, baby…”

77. August 20 1988

The inquest into the two deaths [of young men] at Donnington
was held at Loughborough Town Hall in February 1989.
After four days of listening to testimonies from more
than thirty people that were involved in the incident,
the verdict reached was accidental death. The coroner
praised the efforts by the pit team by saying “their
efforts undoubtedly saved lives”. It was recommended
that the following recommendations should be taken
to prevent a similar disaster:

• muddy conditions should be made less hazardous.

• a person should be positioned on stage to have overall
control of safety.

• the giant stage should be moved so that it is not at
the front of a slope.

(Taken from Incident At Donnington Monster Of Rock:
A Presentation Paper by Mick Upton, from Easingwold
Seminar, ‘Mass Crowd Events’, Dec 8 1995.
Reproduced online at www.safeconcencerts.com)

76. UK Promo

Q: Have you got anything in common
with any of the other bands on the
Donnington bill, like Iron Maiden for example?

A: I hope not.
If bands are like political organizations then
your music is your political stance.
Well, their stance is completely different to ours.
Theirs has nothing to do with a rock ‘n’ roll
as far as I’m concerned.
We’re a rock ‘n’ roll band and they’re not.
What they do is what they do.
I don’t even know what that is but I hope
to never be like that.
I hope it’s not catching.

75. Steven Slurs

Tour merch royalties?
Awesome! So what’s 2%
of nothing divided by five?

74. Duff Takes Up The Story

The funny thing is, being
number one meant jack;

we were still carrying our
flea market clothes around

in cheap suitcases taped shut,
soles flapping from our boots

hair rigid with nasty hairspray
nostrils burnt out with Ex-Lax,

all unwashed and swarthy from
sleepless nights spent burrowing

beaks in more ass, more blow and
broken strip club toilet bowls,

abscesses birthing in our bloody gums
bailiffs back home bashing doors daily.

We were still living on meagre
per diems and undiluted adrenaline.

Then, like, a month later Appetite
follows suit – bam – it’s No. 1 too.

I imagine we celebrated
by doing what we do best

I say ‘imagine’ because imagination
is all I have to go on these days.

That and Youtube clips replayed like
bad dreams from an alternative dimension.

73. "Shit Guys, We're Number One."

June of 88 and
Sweet Child O’Mine
roars in at No. 1.

There and then I
realise my life will
never be the same.

I realise what I
always suspected:
that I’m a genius.

And now, with the benefit
of hindsight, I see that this
is where my problems begin.

72. Rolling Stone In The House

Hi, yeah it’s me. Yeah,
I’m out with Aerosmith.

Yeah, cool. But listen the real
story is here is the support band.

Aerosmith are all wasted
but Guns are slaying, man.

I highly recommend we have a re-think.
We got to put these guys on the cover.

Aerosmith are so over
but Guns are the future.

What do you think?
You will? Awesome?

Five thousand words?
Sure. Monday. No problem.

Hey, listen I gotta go.
Aerosmith are expecting an interview.

What? Nah, it’s cool.
I’ll just leave the batteries out.

Flatter the fuckers.
They’ll never notice.

71. ........

Attention

Please be advised that by entering
these premises you are consenting to being
photographed and/or filmed and that your
ugly faces may be reproduced in
magazines, videos, merchandise or
for other promotional or commercial purposes.

Wanted criminals turn away now.

Guns.