23. The Competition

When we weren’t
rehearsing
scoring
chasing tail
or playing out
we’d be checking on
the competition.

Never in the history
of music has there
been as competitive
a scene as Los Angeles
in the mid 1980s

and never before
have so many
produced so little
for so many
kids on drugs.

98.7% of
the bands
were crud.

We checked out
Ratt and Kix
and all that fake glam shit
then moved onto
the punks

at least Circle Jerks,
The Vandals and Bad Religion
didn’t pretend they were any good,
didn’t care about record sales.

In fact, the hardcore shows
were semi-cool
because heads always got busted
or the cops would show up
and the dope was always good.

But soon enough it got dull;
suburban kids in store-bought uniforms
going through the motions
until MTV moved in
to re-brand it.

Funk-rock was by far the worst though
asshole music for asshole surfers
in asshole clothes. I’m talking about
you Anthony Kiedis
in your tie-dye T-shirt.

I’m talking about white brats
pretending to be black
sewer rats on skateboards
with in Hi-Tops
and new wave haircuts.

Of course some of these kids
went on to define the 90s
with their half-baked music;
ambassadors of nothing but
their own declarations of brilliance.

And the rest drifted away
from the clubs and the drugs
moved to Encino, Alhambra and OC
became Republicans
and now run the country.