94. Back In The Studio

Late – about 8am.
Snakes in my arms.
Pins in my eyes.

Words on scraps of
paper scattered
at my bare feet.

Honey, hot water,
six sliced lemons
and a baby grand.

A pair of cans
around my neck
like a noose.

“Don’t worry,” says
a disembodied voice
from the control room:

“We’ll straighten
it all out
in the mix.”

93. Matt and Dizzy Learn The Way Of The Rose

I guess we’re making a quadruple album?
I mean, that’s what we read in Spin.

‘G n R Frontman Unveils Ambitious
Plans For Two Double Albums’

“I’ve got 652 songs demo’d, I just
need to teach the band them,”

is what it said, so I guess that’s what
we’re doing. Just waiting for the call.

It’s cool because I get to go cycling in the hills
a lot more and Dizzy has his water-colours.

But, you know, it would be kinda cool to,
like, you know, jam some tunes or something.

At the moment being in Guns just means
sitting around eating steak frites and watching TV.

Which is actually kind of like my life before I joined
the band, only the TV is bigger, and I have a boss now.

I guess we’ve just got to sit tight and be ready to
rock that shit, right Dizz? Dizz? He’s nodded off.

92. D-I-V-O-R-C-E

I was crazy about this girl;
for four years it was L-O-V-E, love.

I was a 24 year old hungry nothing
she a 19 year old model-slash-angel

two lost kids with
fuck-ups for parents.

She’s the chick I wrote
Sweet Child O’Mine for.

She’s the chick I quit drugs for
the chick I washed my clothes for.

One day I’m so overwhelmed, so consumed
by passion, I propose without thinking

I say to her, if you don’t marry me Erin
I’ll blow my brains out right now.

And she’s laughing and going, ‘Oh yeah? What with?
A hair-dryer?’; and though her sarcasm makes her cuter

and I’m laughing along too, deep down she knows I’m
packing, deep down she knows I’m serious about this

so a few days later we drive to the desert and have
ourselves a good old crummy Vegas shotgun wedding

in some tacky joint called the Cupid Wedding Chapel
somewhere just off The Strip at 4am.

We spend the wedding night shooting craps,
ordering beluga from room service and fucking noisily.

It was a time, man, but even then the arguments
were already commonplace; drunk, dumb shit

with lots of screaming and hurling of household
objects – just like all regular kids in love, you know?

But this girls, she’s a ball-breaker,
always all up in my shit so’s that sometimes

I can’t breath, can’t move, can’t think
and one day she’s cleaning my CDs

and I just snap: back off bitch – leave now
before I turn your ass out to the gang-bangers.

I mean, this chick made me feel like OJ
and all’s I knew was I didn’t want to see

myself on Fox News one day heading a
dumb-ass 20mph hour live TV car chase.

We reconciled, fought, reconciled again;
a spin-cycle of love and hate. I guess sometimes

my temper got the better of me.
When that red mist descended

like a curtain after an encore
I guess maybe I lashed out on occasion

but, you know, you got to understand
I was fronting the world’s biggest rock band.

I had big deals going down, people to keep in line,
songs to write, people to hire, people to hire.

When she miscarried I knew it was over.
The children in us were still best friends

but the adults had taken over, soured the mood,
spoiled the party. Everything was corrupt.

Everything was corrupt and everything was rotten;
everything had gotten crazy. We nearly killed those

crazy spirits that brought us together
but in the end it just couldn’t work.

Eight months later I had that shit annulled.
Filed for divorce and got myself a new girl.

91. Slash’s Morning After The Night Before

My whole body
is
just a big bruise.

90. Slash and Duff Get Very Drunk At The American Music Awards

So we’re slamming the
free drinks and we’re feeling
pretty damn good with
vodka, whisky and big gins
warming our bellies
All the greats are there:

Bobby Brown
Milli Vanilli
New Kids
Abdul
Hammer
Arsenio hosting

and suddenly they’re calling
out our names:
“…And the Favorite Heavy Metal/Hard Rock Artist
Awards goes to…Guns N Roses!”
and the sea of bodies parts and
and we’re walking on jelly legs

up to the stage
holding hands
high as kites
drunks as lords
chuckling like school kids
feeling like the dorks

that crashed the prom night
and suddenly everyone
is looking at us
and Slash, God bless him,
is rocking the mic, like
“God we didn’t even expect this

Hey, come down and
hang out at the show…
and shit!” and we’re
drinking champagne
and then we’re getting
called back up again

“…and the Favorite Heavy Metal/Hard Rock Albums
Awards goes to Guns N Roses
for Appetite For Destruction”
and now we’re feeling cocky
and full of love so we’re thanking
people from the heart and

when you speak from the heart
you don’t censor yourself
so we’re liberal with our curse words
but in a nice friendly warm way
and we’re wrestling over the mic
because we’re real

and it’s funny
and we’re high
and we’re G n R
and afterwards it’s some big deal
on the news and shit
and those fuckers

never broadcast live again.
It was as funny as shit
and obviously the record
keeps selling and selling
and selling
and selling.

89. Diz Meets Iz

“Hi Izzy
I’m Dizzy.”

“Um. Dude, sorry.
This isn’t going to

work. We sound
like a fucking

clown troupe
or something.”

88. Enter Matt And Dizzy

Hi, I’m Matt.
I’m the new drummer

the new tubthumper

and that there is Dizzy
he’s playing keys

the other new guy.

I’d love to chat
but we signed stuff

we’re sworn to secrecy, bro.

Anyway. We just
want to rock.

So let’s rock. Whoop!

87. Adler's Take

I get fired by
four drug addicts
for taking drugs
how whack is that?

86. Exit Adler

Axl fired his ass.
He and management gave
Him multiple warnings:

curb your addictions, they said
‘cos every time you show up high
we’re fining you two thousands bucks

but still he kept showing up high
so they called him in, got him to sign
something, then fired his ass.

Where were the rest of us?
I don’t know. Getting high
somewhere else probably.

That’s the thing, you see. Steven’s a
goofy guy, a puppy dog. I guess he just
couldn’t handle the concept of discretion.

85. Valley Girl

The valley girl is a
follower not a leader
the second tier
on the demographic chart;

the all-important floating voter, the
leg-warmer share holder
deely bopper-sporter
retainer-wearer
shitty hand-job giver
Corvette-driver
paternal manipulator
Pac-Man player
social-slummer
prick-teaser
pill-popper
peroxide-abuser
snatch-shaver
drugs-sharer
wine-barfer
cum-spitter
music-hater
jail-baiter
butt-fucker
heart-breaker

between us
we must have
had hundreds
of them

and sold
albums to
millions
more

they’re all in the suburbs now
a different demographic now
rich from their real estate husbands
bored from a lack of ambitions
never needing
always buying
the proverbial
pill popper
dildo-fucker
Botox-buyer
Compulsive-spender
pool-paddler
Lexus-driver
gossip-giver
cum-swallower
cookie-baker
sex-swinger
gin-drinker
canasta-player
therapy-dweller
divorce-seeker
alimony-chaser

you see porn sites
devoted to them -
things like Soccer Moms and
Moms I’d Like To Fuck

and driving round the Valley today
I wonder how many have
had a Guns dick inside
them at some point

and I wonder if any
of their blue-eyed
fucked-up kids
belong to me.

84. Slash Responds To The Critics

Life's a bitch.
Gimme a beer.

83. 'One In A Million'

“Immigrants and faggots, they make no sense to me,
They come to our country and think they'll do as they please,
Like start some mini Iran, or spread some fucking disease,
They talk so many goddamn ways, it's all greek to me.”

Jesus. You only have to ask Elton or Freddie,
God rest his soul. They’d tell it you straight
out (no pun intended). I like faggots….but I
couldn’t eat a whole one, ha, ha! But seriously,

I’ve had some bad experiences with homos
in the past, diddling with me when I was kid
and what-not. And all that N-word stuff, man,
to all the haters I say: lighten up. I was making

a serious point about racism and prejudice
and the way all y’all reacted just proved my
point: that the world is fucked up, but maybe,
just maybe, if we all open our hearts and our minds

one day all the fags and the blacks and the
other afflicted minorities will join together
with the real Americans to fight terror together
and party on down to the music of G n’ F’ n’ R

and then I’ll be able to sit back and survey the
black dudes fucking the white hos and the fags
blowing each other’s poles and I’ll smile and
I’ll be like, ‘I guess my work here is done’”.













(Lyrics from ‘One In A Million’ by Guns N Roses, picture by Sexton Ming)

82. Axl Calls Up The Guy From Kerrang! At Midnight And Rants About Something That No-One Cares About

“I can’t believe this shit I just read in Kerrang!...

“‘The interviewer asks Vince Neil about him throwing
a punch at Izzy backstage at the MTV awards last year,
and Vince replies ‘I just punched that dick and broke
his fucking nose! Anybody who beats up on a woman
deserves to get the shit kicked out of them.
Izzy hit my wife, a year before I hit him.’

Well, that’s just a crock of shit. Izzy never touched
that chick! If anybody tried to hit on anything, it was
her trying to hit on Izzy when Vince wasn’t around.
Only Izzy didn’t buy it. So that’s what that’s all about....

But this bit, man, where Vince says our manager, Alan Niven,
wasn’t around, and that afterwards he walked straight
past Izzy and me and we didn’t do a thing, that’s such
a lot of bullshit, I can’t believe that asshole said
those things in private, let alone to the fucking pres

The whole story is, Vince Neil took a pot-shot at Izzy
as he was walkin’ off stage at the MTV awards,
after jammin’ with Tom Petty, because Vince’s wife
has got a bug up her ass about Izzy. Izzy doesn’t
know what’s going on, Izzy doesn’t fuckin’ care.
But anyway, Izzy’s just walked off stage.
He’s momentarily blinded, as always happens
when you come off stage, by coming from the stark
stage-lights straight into total darkness side-stage.

Suddenly Vince pops up out of nowhere and
lays one on Izzy. Tom Petty’s security people
jump on him and ask Alan Niven, our manager,
who had his arm around Izzy’s shoulders when
Vince bopped him, asks if he wants to press charges.
He asks Izzy and Izzy says : ‘Naw, it was only
like bein’ hit by a girl!’ and they let him go.

Meantime, I don’t know nuthin’.
I’m walking way up ahead of everybody else,
and the next thing I know Vince Neil
comes flying past me like his ass is on fire or something.
All I saw was a blur of cheekbones!
I tell ya, man, it makes my blood boil when I read him
saying all that shit about how he kicked Izzy’s ass.
Turn the fuckin’ tape recorder on. I wanna set the record straight.

I mean, when Vince did that, we were advised
we could sue his ass off if we’d wanted to.
But we said no, fuck it, who needs the grief?
The guy’s a jerk. Fuck the courts, the guy needs a good ass-whippin’.

And now I read this - we get Kerrang! a little late here in LA -
and I tell ya, he’s gonna get a good ass-whippin’,
and I’m the boy to give it to him. It’s like, whenever you
wanna do it, man, let’s just do it. I wanna see that plastic
face of his cave in when I hit him.

There’s only one way out for that fucker now and that’s
if he apologises in public, to the press, to Kerrang!
and its readers, and admits he was lyin’ when he said
those things in that interview. Personally, I don’t think
he has the balls. But that’s the gauntlet, and I’m throwing
it down. Hey, Vince, whichever way you wanna go, man :
guns, knives, or fists, whatever you wanna do.
I don’t care. Turn on the machine...”

(With thanks to ‘Stick To Your Guns’ by Mick Wall Kerrang!, 21 and 28 April 1990)

81. Axl Ad Libs At The LA Coliseum

“I hate to do this on stage. But I
tried every other fucking way.
And unless certain people in this band

get their shit together, these will
be the last Guns N' Roses shows
you'll ever fucking see.

‘Cos I'm tired of too many people
in this organization dancing
with Mr. Goddamn Brownstone.”

80. Pill Party

Hey man,
you want a
pick-me-up?

Special discounts
for the
band, man.

I got
all sorts
man.

I got:
Benzodiazepines
Dextromethorphan

I got Barbital
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-(n)-propylthiophenethylamine (2C-T-7)
and Kratom

I got: Methylphenidate
4-Bromo-2,5-Dimethoxyphenethylamine
Hydromorphone

I got: good old Dexy’s
Buprenorphine
Ethylamphetamine

I got: Fentanyl
Biphetamine
and Naloxone

I got Tramadol
Salvia Divinorum
and motherfucking Hydrocodone

I got all sorts, man.
So many pills
so many beautiful colours.

I got a man
on the inside,
you know?

The farmer-
soot-tickle
biz?

This ain’t no
low-grade street shit,
you know?

These is primo
pills for the elite.
Cos you’re elite, right?

So what do you want, man?
You just take your time.
You just let me know.

Special discounts
for the band, man.
Right here.

79. Izzy, Late '88

A month later with Appetite still riding high
we drop Lies on an unsuspecting public. It’s funny
- we make it look easy, though it is anything but.

It’s Axl’s baby. He tussles with everyone over everything.
The mastering. The tracklisting. The artwork. The title…
At the last minute he announces it’s to be called

Lies! The Sex, The Drugs, The Violence, The Shocking Truth
but everyone thinks it’s too much of a mouthful and says so.
Naturally he kicks and screams at this even louder.

But with the band hot, product ready to ship and the label
keen to capitalize on five fucks who might be dead by
Christmas he’s over-ruled. It was a rare day, I tell ya.

I remember saying to Duff, you know buddy, we’re surer
to see hell freezing over and fornicating pigs flying jet planes
of Big Macs to Cuba than we are Axl not getting his way again.

You probably already know the foot-note to this tale already:
Lies goes in at Number 2 making us the only band to have two
Top 5 albums at once - and Axl never did relinquish power again.

Intermission

I, Axl: An American Dream is currently
enjoying an interlude.

This epic tale will resume transmission
later in September 2008.

78. Axl Ad Libs In Irving, Texas

“I apologize if I sound like shit
but too many planes and
too much cocaine…but you
know where the fuck you are?

You in the jungle, baby…”

77. August 20 1988

The inquest into the two deaths [of young men] at Donnington
was held at Loughborough Town Hall in February 1989.
After four days of listening to testimonies from more
than thirty people that were involved in the incident,
the verdict reached was accidental death. The coroner
praised the efforts by the pit team by saying “their
efforts undoubtedly saved lives”. It was recommended
that the following recommendations should be taken
to prevent a similar disaster:

• muddy conditions should be made less hazardous.

• a person should be positioned on stage to have overall
control of safety.

• the giant stage should be moved so that it is not at
the front of a slope.

(Taken from Incident At Donnington Monster Of Rock:
A Presentation Paper by Mick Upton, from Easingwold
Seminar, ‘Mass Crowd Events’, Dec 8 1995.
Reproduced online at www.safeconcencerts.com)

76. UK Promo

Q: Have you got anything in common
with any of the other bands on the
Donnington bill, like Iron Maiden for example?

A: I hope not.
If bands are like political organizations then
your music is your political stance.
Well, their stance is completely different to ours.
Theirs has nothing to do with a rock ‘n’ roll
as far as I’m concerned.
We’re a rock ‘n’ roll band and they’re not.
What they do is what they do.
I don’t even know what that is but I hope
to never be like that.
I hope it’s not catching.

75. Steven Slurs

Tour merch royalties?
Awesome! So what’s 2%
of nothing divided by five?

74. Duff Takes Up The Story

The funny thing is, being
number one meant jack;

we were still carrying our
flea market clothes around

in cheap suitcases taped shut,
soles flapping from our boots

hair rigid with nasty hairspray
nostrils burnt out with Ex-Lax,

all unwashed and swarthy from
sleepless nights spent burrowing

beaks in more ass, more blow and
broken strip club toilet bowls,

abscesses birthing in our bloody gums
bailiffs back home bashing doors daily.

We were still living on meagre
per diems and undiluted adrenaline.

Then, like, a month later Appetite
follows suit – bam – it’s No. 1 too.

I imagine we celebrated
by doing what we do best

I say ‘imagine’ because imagination
is all I have to go on these days.

That and Youtube clips replayed like
bad dreams from an alternative dimension.

73. "Shit Guys, We're Number One."

June of 88 and
Sweet Child O’Mine
roars in at No. 1.

There and then I
realise my life will
never be the same.

I realise what I
always suspected:
that I’m a genius.

And now, with the benefit
of hindsight, I see that this
is where my problems begin.

72. Rolling Stone In The House

Hi, yeah it’s me. Yeah,
I’m out with Aerosmith.

Yeah, cool. But listen the real
story is here is the support band.

Aerosmith are all wasted
but Guns are slaying, man.

I highly recommend we have a re-think.
We got to put these guys on the cover.

Aerosmith are so over
but Guns are the future.

What do you think?
You will? Awesome?

Five thousand words?
Sure. Monday. No problem.

Hey, listen I gotta go.
Aerosmith are expecting an interview.

What? Nah, it’s cool.
I’ll just leave the batteries out.

Flatter the fuckers.
They’ll never notice.

71. ........

Attention

Please be advised that by entering
these premises you are consenting to being
photographed and/or filmed and that your
ugly faces may be reproduced in
magazines, videos, merchandise or
for other promotional or commercial purposes.

Wanted criminals turn away now.

Guns.