165. The Malibu Years Pts XXII – XXIX

XXII.

I’m thinking about entering this year’s Malibu Chili Cookoff

I’ve been working on my secret seasonings.

I’m thinking of entering it undercover.

I need to think of a false name.

Like maybe Steve or Andy.

XXIII.

Surfing is big here.

Bigger than in Indiana.

XXIV.

Golf is the last refuge of the living;

that bridge between life and death.

XXV.

Often when I’m sleeping I dream of the California State Highway.

I dream about how flat and smooth and silent it is.

I imagine its tarmac and asphalt top layer cracking open.

In my dream I pull over and get out of my car.

I step over to the crack and I peer into it.

It is deep, but not that deep.

Inside I see all my family and friends.

Ex-girlfriends too.

Everyone I’ve ever known is there.

They’re all smiling and having fun.

They wave and say “Come and join us, Bill. It’s great here in this crack in the highway!”

But I never do.

I always step back from the crack and turn towards my car.

Towards the open road.

Then I wake up feeling funny.

Out of sorts.

XXVI.

I don’t ‘do’ sun.

It turns my skin

pink and

tightens it

like a snare drum.

XXVII.

I heard they were going to offer me the keys

to the city but I guess they changed their minds.

XXVIII.

I can watch porn for up to ten

maybe twelve hours at a stretch

I have one of the biggest porno

collections in California.

And that’s not me showing off.

- that’s a fucking fact.

XXIX.

Like Steve or Andy,

I need to think of a false name.

I’m thinking of entering it undercover.

I’ve been working on my secret seasonings.

I’m thinking about entering this year’s Malibu Chili Cookoff.

161. The Malibu Years Pts I - IX

I.
I got Spears
to the left of me
Hanks to the right
here I am.

II.
I bought a pineapple tree from a man called Paco but when I got it home I discovered it was some crappy ornamental thing made from plastic.
I wanted to go back down there and carve Paco up but decided against it and watched a DVD instead.

IIII.
Malibu in three words:
wildfires
mudslides
titty.

IV.
There’s no sunset like a Malibu sunset;
Maybe one day I’ll get up early enough to see it.

V.
Running on the beach one Sunday I trip over a Chihuahua that is snapping at my heels.
It takes everything within my power not to punt it like a football into the sea.
Apart from a handful of groupies, I guess I’ve just never been a dog lover.

VI.
I got a new license plate. It reads WAX7 R0SE
Then underneath, it says Malibu: A Way Of Life
I wanted to get one that says W.AXL ROSE
but apparently some guy in Fresno beat me to it.

VII.
Why don’t homeless
people just get a job?

VIII.
My new juicer is rad. It looks like a tank.
It is smooth and silent and it collects the fruit pits in a little tray.
I collect them and now and again I plant them in my sea-side garden.
Maybe one day I’ll squeeze the juice of oranges that I’ve grown myself.
Maybe one day I’ll branch out into the lucrative fresh fruit juice market.

IX.
Malibu is 91.91% white but
that’s not why I moved here.